I often get calls from people looking for some advice. Generally, they say something like, “I have this issue going on. It is causing these kinds of problems. These are the results that are occurring. What would you say?”

Those are the magic words, “What would you say?” I usually respond with, “What do you want to say?” With that, everything that is in their head comes out of their mouth with all the emotional intensity that they have been feeling. And it is usually not so nice, but it is a start. When a person hears themselves speak their feelings and frustrations out loud, their awareness of the current challenges is heightened along with the understanding of what their challenge is costing them. This is a great place to begin.

To ensure the best possible outcome when holding a difficult conversation, there are several behaviors that you would do best to avoid.

Being defensive

If you are emotional or on the defensive, you will create defensiveness on the part of your listener. Once they become defensive, the emotion becomes the message, and all rationality is lost. If that happens, your conversation is essentially over. Maintain your composure and stick to the facts.

Making assumptions

It is easy to make assumptions about others, especially if they have not performed as promised or if they have violated your expectations. Unfortunately, these assumptions will negatively influence our feelings. If you are making incorrect assumptions about a person, your negative feelings will soon be on display. It’s good to recognize and identify your assumptions in each situation, but more importantly, challenge the accuracy of those assumptions. When examined honestly, most often we will discover that our thinking is at best incomplete or inaccurate. Check your assumptions and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Beginning with opinion or judgment

When you begin a conversation with a negative opinion such as, “Your presentation was not good today,” you immediately force the other person to defend themselves. You offered no evidence or data for making such a statement. Usually, our judgments are accompanied by a negative tone and choice of words. When this happens, your listener will not hear anything else you say. Suspend judgment.

Assigning blame

When unexpected outcomes occur, it is easy to blame the other person for the results. It is wise to focus on the problem and the process that created the challenge rather than the person. Accusing the person forces them to defend their actions, rather than looking at the process that created the results.  Forget the blame game.

Losing control of your voice

During a difficult conversation, you might begin to speak faster, which can happen because you are nervous or want the conversation to be over. Then the volume of your message might increase, and your word choice may become disrespectful. When this happens, effective communication is severely diminished. Remain calm and keep an even tone.

Telling more than you ask

Because we are so focused on what we want to have happen, we become obsessed with telling, demanding, lecturing, or advising before we have a thorough understanding of the situation. Asking more questions helps to expand our perspective of the challenge which will lead to a more effective solution to the problem at hand. Ask questions to increase understanding.

Taking things personally

Unless you have learned otherwise, most people take the words and actions of others personally. You must remember that a person’s words, actions, and emotions say more about them than about you. After all, their response in the situation was created by them, so let them say and do what they will. It is not about you. Remain calm and try to understand what would cause a person to say and do what they did. Take what others have to say seriously, but don’t take it personally.